Sometimes Life Takes Over

Sometimes I think the phrase, "Just living life" is misused. It is used by people who are doing nothing, but want it to describe the lazy type of life they choose to live (I'm not knocking this, but come on). Sometimes it is used by people who work too much at crappy jobs, making just enough to get by. Sometimes, it is used to romanticize our teen years (it wasn't that great, y'all).

For me, this phrase describes how my life has been for years. I have been doing a lot: marriage, kids, friends, school, work, and all of it is done well. But I have no idea how. I am not complaining: I love my life! But sometimes, reflecting on my life, I realize I would to know how to advise someone on how to balance all of these things. Have I even been doing these things? Who has been living my life for me, accomplishing all of these things?! Am I just living life?

I do have a major case of imposter syndrome, which gives me the amazing ability to be unable to internalize my own accomplishments (go me!), but this is beyond even that.

During orientation for grad school, everyone kept saying, "Balance!" As in, find balance between personal and professional lives, making sure to keep our feet, (or hands, or at least noses), in all parts of our lives, not losing anything as we continue to grow as people. I think I already do this, though unintentionally. I always make sure to watch a few crappy shows on tv, or to go out for ice cream, or take the kids to the park, just to watch them run and laugh.

Though for now I am unable to read for pleasure and I still can't shake the guilt I sometimes feel for having fun instead of preparing for class, I have balance and it's good. Laundry is being folded, children are being raised, friendship is being had, learning is being done. Life is good, even though it does seem to have a mind of its own.

And so it begins...

I have had some problems registering for grad school classes. In fact, at one point, no classes had any spots available for any students. Eventually, though, I was able to register for a few classes that didn't much interest me. A start.

"At least I am taking classes at all!", I thought.

But really, this degree was meant to be molded around my particular wants and needs in an upper-level education. I admitted to myself that I was disappointed with the way things were going and considered getting a job instead. What's the point in grad school if I am just going to be forced to take more bullshit courses while I wait around for the good classes? That's what an undergraduate degree is for.

Today, I was informed that the waiting list for the courses I wanted had dwindled from 4 (for a class that only takes 8 people total) to none and I was allowed to register! Now, I can officially consider the semester to come with excitement as opposed to dread. I am taking classes I want to take.

I just ordered 15 books from Amazon (I already had a few of the required texts) so I know it's going to be a busy few months. I so look forward to digging into those books! I hope I don't frighten the mailman when I meet him at the door and snatch the books form him, drooling all the while. Actually I don't mind.

I know I am going to continue to go back and forth as far as wondering if grad school is, in fact, the right thing to do, but I must remember how I feel when things are going well. I am giddy with excitement right now. I could not be happier that things are finally falling into place for me. And although I still have a few things to work out (why don't children come with nannies? When will I sleep? ), I am absolutely certain that things are looking up.

Reflection

Reviewing my prior posts, I realized I suck at this. Also, I realized I am still doing the same things I was and it is probably a good thing that I haven't been rambling for the last year and a half.

"I am trying to write my Honor's thesis. Since I was able to choose, I assumed my uber-interesting topic would make things easier for me. Indeed, it has not. My unorganized way of writing is not conducive to such a lengthy paper and I am starting to hate myself for it. Like, really hate myself" -Me, September 2009.

I am still working on this paper. I need only finish a few things, but this project has plagued my existence ever since this point. Not only this, but I obviously did not relay the epic nature of my hatred for this project and for my ability to plan and focus on something. This paper was ripped from my soul and printed using blood, but I finished it. I will try harder next time.

This (nearly) finished project is actually amazing and I am very proud of it. It was this paper, in fact, that got me accepted to graduate school.

Perhaps all of my blog energy was simply reallocated for this paper. I have also completed my Women's and Gender Studies thesis and am nearly finished with my English thesis so the energy is no longer needed there.

I am back. Focused, and ready to write to my heart's content.